belador (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} belador) wrote,@ 2007-04-20 17:01:00 |
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Fic-tastic part 2!
And here's the second one. This one has no smut, but weirdness in spades. Pretty dark and a bit of what seems to be self-harm. One small part might be a bit inaccurate, medically, but that shouldn't affect anything really. They said Jack's time with the others had changed him, didn't they....
Title: Change
Characters: Mostly Jack/Sawyer, some Kate, Juliet, Sayid, Sun
Rating: R for mature content
Spoilers: As post below
Disclaimer: Don't own them, not making any money
Like many true horrors, it had a strange, unreal quality to it, made stronger by the time of day: just after sunrise, not in the dark depths of night; and the setting: on the beach, just as people were rising, emerging from their tents, greeting each other and the new day. It was so unreal that Sawyer at first thought he was hallucinating; his initial feeling was confusion, a sense of dislocation. It was only once Jack came within earshot that it became real, and it was like all the colour and sound suddenly rushed back into the world, without Sawyer even realising they had been gone in the first place. Jack wasn’t really forming words, and that made it worse; he sounded like a wounded animal, and it stirred some primeval terror inside Sawyer, made his bowels feel loose, his pulse thump in his throat, his face feel hot and cold sweat slick his skin.
Up until now only Sawyer had seen Jack, but now a woman started screaming, Sawyer couldn’t place who, maybe Claire, and the sound suddenly jerked him into action, pulling him forward like a puppet. Jack was on the ground now, on his knees with his palms held up towards himself, his ruined hands curled protectively towards his chest, still keening that inhuman sound. Sawyer reached him and had absolutely no idea what to do; up close the blood was all he could see, and he stared at it, transfixed; there was no part of Jack’s bare skin that wasn’t streaked with it. It was only when Sawyer spotted the first of the letters that he regained a little control, and as his mind put the words together from what he could see, somehow that made it all easier to rationalise, because it was familiar. He looked around, spotted a line of washing hanging from a nearby tree, and pulled a sheet off it. He tore it in half, and knelt down in front of Jack, covering his nakedness with one half and tearing the other half into smaller strips. The sheet he’d put over Jack’s lap instantly drew up some of the blood, scarlet blossoming through from underneath.
‘Doc.’
Jack was rocking back and forth slightly, making hardly any noise now.
‘Jack, I need your help.’
His own voice still sounded a long way off, quiet and distant, but somehow level and measured.
‘I need you to be a doctor, just for a minute. I need to know where to tie these.’
He reached out one hand, touching Jack on the side of the face, and Jack flinched weakly, but at least now he was looking at Sawyer with clouded eyes, eyes he was fighting to keep open. Sawyer held his head, thumb by his ear, and held up the strips with his other hand.
‘Your arms are cut to shreds. Where do I need to tie these?’
Jack looked from Sawyer to the strips, then down at his arms, at his hands, and his face twisted as he let out a quiet moan.
‘Jack!’ Sawyer shouted, gripping Jack’s head firmly, forcing Jack’s gaze back to himself, hating himself but knowing Jack was close to passing out. ‘You’re still bleeding, Jack. Where do I need to tie these? If you don’t tell me you’re going to bleed to death.’
Jack stared at him vacantly for a long time, then just as Sawyer was about to yell again, he blinked and tried to gesture with a hand, but stopped, making a soundless grimace. Sawyer touched him halfway up his upper arm with the hand he held the strips in. ‘Here?’ he asked. Jack shook his head, started to mouth something, stopped, and tried again.
‘Jus…Just above the elbow,’ he muttered, slurring, and Sawyer felt a cold prickle at the back of his neck, because Jack really was on the verge of passing out, and he was still bleeding from the wounds on his arms
from the letters he’s carved into his own skin
and if Sawyer didn’t do something soon he really was going to bleed to death. He tied the strips round Jack’s arms, as tight as he dared, but then Jack muttered tighter and he pulled even harder.
God
‘Oh, oh fucking hell,’ said a voice behind him, and he glanced over his shoulder to see Kate, with her hands over her mouth, and a little way behind her, a whole bunch of people stood silently, watching. Kate took a step closer.
God loves
‘Stay back, freckles,’ Sawyer warned, and it had the opposite effect; she strode forward, crouching beside him, reaching out to cup Jack’s face like he’d done a moment earlier.
‘Jack? Jack, it’s Kate, can you hear me?’
God loves you
‘What happened? What the fuck happened? Where did all this blood come from?’ she asked, her voice wavering.
God loves you as
Sawyer was gripping the tourniquets he’d applied; his own arms were shielding Jack’s from Kate’s view.
God loves you as He
‘I don’t know what happened. He just came stumbling out of the jungle, right over there. Naked and bleeding.’
God loves you as He loves
‘What’s going on?’
Sawyer turned, he couldn’t help it, he had to see the look on Juliet’s face, to see if she looked surprised or not, and as he turned he let go of Jack’s arms
God loves you as He loves Jacob
Kate gasped, no words, as she read what Jack had cut into his skin, deep scores across the silk skin of his inner arms and palms
God loves you as He loves Jacob
and then she was on her feet, Sawyer a second behind her and he grabbed her from behind as she launched herself at Juliet. There was a gasp from the gathered crowd as they saw Jack more fully, no longer shielded by Sawyer’s body, but Sawyer barely noticed because Kate was struggling like a wildcat in his grip.
‘You bitch! You fucking bitch! You did this!’ she was screaming, and Juliet was stepping backwards, flinching under Kate’s words as if they were stinging her, but no, she didn’t look particularly surprised, and Sawyer almost let Kate go then, let her tear Juliet apart, but he knew, a heavy knowledge, that they’d need Juliet, need her help, and the thought made bile rise in his throat.
Sayid had come forward, glancing at Jack, then at Sawyer, his eyes betraying nothing.
‘Sayid, can you take her?’ Sawyer asked, gasping the words as Kate clawed at his hands. Sayid nodded, and there was a confusing moment as Sayid pulled Kate off him, pulled her away, even though a little of the fight had gone out of her. Sawyer looked at Juliet, and she looked back at him impassionately.
‘Good job with the tourniquet, but he needs stitches. I’ll get-’
‘You’ll get nothing, Juliet,’ Sawyer growled, and there must have been something in his voice that wasn’t there before, because she paused, trying to stare him out for a moment before looking down at the ground.
‘Sun, can you get Jack’s pack?’ Sawyer asked, and Sun nodded, turning away from the crowd. ‘Hurley, I need you and Jin to watch Juliet. Preferably somewhere I can’t see her.’
Juliet looked up at him again, but there was nothing but steel in his eyes, and she nodded and let them lead her away.
Sun was back a moment later, and Sawyer upended Jack’s pack onto a second sheet he’d taken from the line, fishing out the spool of thread, with a hook tucked in it, from the medical detritus. Sun put a hand on his.
‘Do you know what you’re doing? I can stitch-’
‘I’m fine.’
Jack was breathing hard now, his eyes slipping closed intermittently. Sawyer cupped his face again.
‘It’s gonna be okay, hoss. I got you,’ he murmured, and he thought that maybe Jack nodded as he started to stitch Jack’s wounds.
---
‘What does it mean?’
The words startled Sawyer; Jack’s voice was raspy, tired, but at least he was awake.
‘What does what mean?’ said Sawyer, as he poured out a glass of water.
‘This,’ Jack said, gesturing at his arms with his bandaged hands. ‘What does it mean? I know you know.’
‘Don’t you?’ Sawyer asked, frowning, holding the cup out to Jack. Jack shook his head as he took the cup in both hands, Sawyer only letting go once he was sure Jack could hold it okay. Though only a little light from the fire filtered into the tent, Sawyer saw the fear on Jack’s face. He sipped the water, coughed, sipped again.
‘Last thing I remember is going to sleep in my tent,’ Jack said. ‘It’s not very clear after that, but I know I woke up in the jungle, I know I knew I was bleeding heavily, needed help fast.’
‘What’d you do with your clothes?’
Jack opened his mouth to answer, then frowned. ‘You…you think I did this to myself?’ He sounded incredulous, and Sawyer was surprised; for some reason he’d assumed Jack would have realised.
‘Charlie saw you walking towards the treeline in the middle of the night. You didn’t have a pack on or anything, so he didn’t think much of it. You were on your own.’
‘Well, that doesn’t mean anything,’ Jack said, confusion and defensiveness in his voice in equal measure.
Sawyer hesitated before continuing.
‘In their camp, the other’s camp, me and Kate came across a room. They had a guy in it, Rosseau’s daughter’s boyfriend, strapped to a chair. They were making him watch this fucked-up film, brainwashing him. That,’ Sawyer said, pointing at Jack’s arms, ‘was in that film. God loves you as He loves Jacob. Words on the screen.’
‘But I never saw that film. I’ve never heard that phrase before in my life.’
Sawyer must have got a look on his face, because Jack was now getting angry. ‘Somebody did this to me, Sawyer, and I don’t know why you’re-’
‘You did see the film, doc. Juliet admitted it.’
Jack stared at him, eyes dark in the tent’s shadows.
‘She’s lying,’ he whispered. ‘I’ve never seen this before. I don’t know what it means.’
‘I don’t think she is.’
There was a pause; Jack looked down, his mind working visibly, before back up at Sawyer. The fear in his eyes had intensified, and Sawyer felt for him.
‘She’s protecting herself by making you all think I did it.’
‘Sayid and Kate both agree with me, doc. We all questioned Juliet. We think she’s telling the truth. There’s some other things too, like the fact that the letters on your right arm aren’t as clear as those on your left. If you were using your left hand for those, well that would explain it.’
Jack was shaking his head, drawing his arms in closer to himself.
‘I didn’t do this,’ he whispered, and Sawyer could see him withdrawing. He reached forward, gripping Jack’s knee.
‘Doc, they made you do this. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy or anything.’
Jack didn’t say anything, just stared at Sawyer, and Sawyer realised with a start that Jack was withdrawing from him; he was scared of him. Sawyer frowned.
‘Hey, talk to me, doc. You’re looking freaked out.’
‘Why…why are you doing this? Somebody did this to me…I didn’t…’
Sawyer sighed, rubbing a hand over his face.
‘Doc…’
‘You remember when Claire thought somebody had injected her, and I didn’t believe her? That was Ethan, and Charlie almost died because I didn’t believe her-’
‘Doc-’
‘I didn’t do this!’ Jack was shouting now, agitated, angry, and scared as hell.
‘Look, Juliet said this might happen-’
It was the wrong thing to say, the wrong thing entirely, he could see it on Jack’s face instantly. Jack struggled to his feet, flinching as Sawyer stood up as well, blocking the way out.
‘Calm down, Jack,’ Sawyer said quietly, his hands raised, palms down flat.
‘Let me out.’
‘Calm down-’
Jack moved forward, and Sawyer grabbed him by the shoulders, again the wrong thing, because it made Jack struggle.
‘Let go of me,’ Jack hissed, pushing at Sawyer with his forearms, and in the tussle Sawyer inadvertently grabbed at one of Jack’s hands, making him gasp with pain, feeling stitches break and blood soak through the bandages. Jack yelled angrily, and Sawyer almost let go instinctively, but instead shoved Jack backwards into the tent. Jack stumbled backwards before steadying himself, cradling his hand to his chest and looking at Sawyer with an expression of utter betrayal. Sawyer felt guilt flood through his guts, but kept his face stony. If Jack needed someone to hate, he could bear it.
‘Calm the fuck down, doc. You’re staying in here til we figure out what the hell’s going on.’
Jack said nothing; something closed down in his eyes and his gaze slipped away from Sawyer’s, and he sat down cross-legged on the floor. Sawyer stared at him for a moment, then stepped out through the tent flap.
---
God loves you…as He loves Jacob…
God loves you…as He loves Jacob…
It was suffocating, the fear Sawyer felt when he heard it, when he heard Jack whispering it, because he realised it had been repeating on the very threshold of his hearing for some time, and what might have been happening before his brain registered it triggered an overwhelming feeling. He scrambled to his feet, throwing back the tent flap, and Jack was still sitting cross-legged where Sawyer had left him, only now he had unwound all his bandages and had torn out the stitches on half of one arm, torn them out by digging in with his nails because fresh blood was streaking his skin. Sawyer grabbed his hands, hard, held them away from his body at an awkward angle and the pain must have cut into Jack sharply, because he blinked rapidly, suddenly coming back to himself.
‘Fuck, Sawyer, let go!’ he gasped, pain and anger twisting his expression until he glanced down at his arm, and then he froze. Sawyer loosened his grip slowly, letting go, sitting back. Jack was reeling, struggling to breath steadily, as realisation dawned, and it was painful, too painful to watch. Sawyer hung his head, trying to block it all out; he could handle being hated, but he wasn’t sure he could handle this.
‘Oh…oh Jesus…’ Jack whispered, before grabbing at the undone bandages in a panic, starting to wrap them around his arms again. Sawyer grabbed his hands again, gently this time.
‘Take it easy, Jack. Take it easy.’
Jack didn’t look at him, couldn’t look at him.
‘I don’t remember…anything…’
‘It’s okay, doc. It’s okay.’
‘What’s wrong with me?’ Jack looked at Sawyer then, needing to see how Sawyer reacted to the question, and all Sawyer could feel was a breathtaking hurt for him, and only now did he really understand what it meant to feel for another person, because he desperately wanted to take it away, to make it better, to stop that haunted look in Jack’s eyes.
‘We’re gonna figure it out,’ he said thickly. ‘We’re gonna figure it out.’
And here's the second one. This one has no smut, but weirdness in spades. Pretty dark and a bit of what seems to be self-harm. One small part might be a bit inaccurate, medically, but that shouldn't affect anything really. They said Jack's time with the others had changed him, didn't they....
Title: Change
Characters: Mostly Jack/Sawyer, some Kate, Juliet, Sayid, Sun
Rating: R for mature content
Spoilers: As post below
Disclaimer: Don't own them, not making any money
Like many true horrors, it had a strange, unreal quality to it, made stronger by the time of day: just after sunrise, not in the dark depths of night; and the setting: on the beach, just as people were rising, emerging from their tents, greeting each other and the new day. It was so unreal that Sawyer at first thought he was hallucinating; his initial feeling was confusion, a sense of dislocation. It was only once Jack came within earshot that it became real, and it was like all the colour and sound suddenly rushed back into the world, without Sawyer even realising they had been gone in the first place. Jack wasn’t really forming words, and that made it worse; he sounded like a wounded animal, and it stirred some primeval terror inside Sawyer, made his bowels feel loose, his pulse thump in his throat, his face feel hot and cold sweat slick his skin.
Up until now only Sawyer had seen Jack, but now a woman started screaming, Sawyer couldn’t place who, maybe Claire, and the sound suddenly jerked him into action, pulling him forward like a puppet. Jack was on the ground now, on his knees with his palms held up towards himself, his ruined hands curled protectively towards his chest, still keening that inhuman sound. Sawyer reached him and had absolutely no idea what to do; up close the blood was all he could see, and he stared at it, transfixed; there was no part of Jack’s bare skin that wasn’t streaked with it. It was only when Sawyer spotted the first of the letters that he regained a little control, and as his mind put the words together from what he could see, somehow that made it all easier to rationalise, because it was familiar. He looked around, spotted a line of washing hanging from a nearby tree, and pulled a sheet off it. He tore it in half, and knelt down in front of Jack, covering his nakedness with one half and tearing the other half into smaller strips. The sheet he’d put over Jack’s lap instantly drew up some of the blood, scarlet blossoming through from underneath.
‘Doc.’
Jack was rocking back and forth slightly, making hardly any noise now.
‘Jack, I need your help.’
His own voice still sounded a long way off, quiet and distant, but somehow level and measured.
‘I need you to be a doctor, just for a minute. I need to know where to tie these.’
He reached out one hand, touching Jack on the side of the face, and Jack flinched weakly, but at least now he was looking at Sawyer with clouded eyes, eyes he was fighting to keep open. Sawyer held his head, thumb by his ear, and held up the strips with his other hand.
‘Your arms are cut to shreds. Where do I need to tie these?’
Jack looked from Sawyer to the strips, then down at his arms, at his hands, and his face twisted as he let out a quiet moan.
‘Jack!’ Sawyer shouted, gripping Jack’s head firmly, forcing Jack’s gaze back to himself, hating himself but knowing Jack was close to passing out. ‘You’re still bleeding, Jack. Where do I need to tie these? If you don’t tell me you’re going to bleed to death.’
Jack stared at him vacantly for a long time, then just as Sawyer was about to yell again, he blinked and tried to gesture with a hand, but stopped, making a soundless grimace. Sawyer touched him halfway up his upper arm with the hand he held the strips in. ‘Here?’ he asked. Jack shook his head, started to mouth something, stopped, and tried again.
‘Jus…Just above the elbow,’ he muttered, slurring, and Sawyer felt a cold prickle at the back of his neck, because Jack really was on the verge of passing out, and he was still bleeding from the wounds on his arms
from the letters he’s carved into his own skin
and if Sawyer didn’t do something soon he really was going to bleed to death. He tied the strips round Jack’s arms, as tight as he dared, but then Jack muttered tighter and he pulled even harder.
God
‘Oh, oh fucking hell,’ said a voice behind him, and he glanced over his shoulder to see Kate, with her hands over her mouth, and a little way behind her, a whole bunch of people stood silently, watching. Kate took a step closer.
God loves
‘Stay back, freckles,’ Sawyer warned, and it had the opposite effect; she strode forward, crouching beside him, reaching out to cup Jack’s face like he’d done a moment earlier.
‘Jack? Jack, it’s Kate, can you hear me?’
God loves you
‘What happened? What the fuck happened? Where did all this blood come from?’ she asked, her voice wavering.
God loves you as
Sawyer was gripping the tourniquets he’d applied; his own arms were shielding Jack’s from Kate’s view.
God loves you as He
‘I don’t know what happened. He just came stumbling out of the jungle, right over there. Naked and bleeding.’
God loves you as He loves
‘What’s going on?’
Sawyer turned, he couldn’t help it, he had to see the look on Juliet’s face, to see if she looked surprised or not, and as he turned he let go of Jack’s arms
God loves you as He loves Jacob
Kate gasped, no words, as she read what Jack had cut into his skin, deep scores across the silk skin of his inner arms and palms
God loves you as He loves Jacob
and then she was on her feet, Sawyer a second behind her and he grabbed her from behind as she launched herself at Juliet. There was a gasp from the gathered crowd as they saw Jack more fully, no longer shielded by Sawyer’s body, but Sawyer barely noticed because Kate was struggling like a wildcat in his grip.
‘You bitch! You fucking bitch! You did this!’ she was screaming, and Juliet was stepping backwards, flinching under Kate’s words as if they were stinging her, but no, she didn’t look particularly surprised, and Sawyer almost let Kate go then, let her tear Juliet apart, but he knew, a heavy knowledge, that they’d need Juliet, need her help, and the thought made bile rise in his throat.
Sayid had come forward, glancing at Jack, then at Sawyer, his eyes betraying nothing.
‘Sayid, can you take her?’ Sawyer asked, gasping the words as Kate clawed at his hands. Sayid nodded, and there was a confusing moment as Sayid pulled Kate off him, pulled her away, even though a little of the fight had gone out of her. Sawyer looked at Juliet, and she looked back at him impassionately.
‘Good job with the tourniquet, but he needs stitches. I’ll get-’
‘You’ll get nothing, Juliet,’ Sawyer growled, and there must have been something in his voice that wasn’t there before, because she paused, trying to stare him out for a moment before looking down at the ground.
‘Sun, can you get Jack’s pack?’ Sawyer asked, and Sun nodded, turning away from the crowd. ‘Hurley, I need you and Jin to watch Juliet. Preferably somewhere I can’t see her.’
Juliet looked up at him again, but there was nothing but steel in his eyes, and she nodded and let them lead her away.
Sun was back a moment later, and Sawyer upended Jack’s pack onto a second sheet he’d taken from the line, fishing out the spool of thread, with a hook tucked in it, from the medical detritus. Sun put a hand on his.
‘Do you know what you’re doing? I can stitch-’
‘I’m fine.’
Jack was breathing hard now, his eyes slipping closed intermittently. Sawyer cupped his face again.
‘It’s gonna be okay, hoss. I got you,’ he murmured, and he thought that maybe Jack nodded as he started to stitch Jack’s wounds.
---
‘What does it mean?’
The words startled Sawyer; Jack’s voice was raspy, tired, but at least he was awake.
‘What does what mean?’ said Sawyer, as he poured out a glass of water.
‘This,’ Jack said, gesturing at his arms with his bandaged hands. ‘What does it mean? I know you know.’
‘Don’t you?’ Sawyer asked, frowning, holding the cup out to Jack. Jack shook his head as he took the cup in both hands, Sawyer only letting go once he was sure Jack could hold it okay. Though only a little light from the fire filtered into the tent, Sawyer saw the fear on Jack’s face. He sipped the water, coughed, sipped again.
‘Last thing I remember is going to sleep in my tent,’ Jack said. ‘It’s not very clear after that, but I know I woke up in the jungle, I know I knew I was bleeding heavily, needed help fast.’
‘What’d you do with your clothes?’
Jack opened his mouth to answer, then frowned. ‘You…you think I did this to myself?’ He sounded incredulous, and Sawyer was surprised; for some reason he’d assumed Jack would have realised.
‘Charlie saw you walking towards the treeline in the middle of the night. You didn’t have a pack on or anything, so he didn’t think much of it. You were on your own.’
‘Well, that doesn’t mean anything,’ Jack said, confusion and defensiveness in his voice in equal measure.
Sawyer hesitated before continuing.
‘In their camp, the other’s camp, me and Kate came across a room. They had a guy in it, Rosseau’s daughter’s boyfriend, strapped to a chair. They were making him watch this fucked-up film, brainwashing him. That,’ Sawyer said, pointing at Jack’s arms, ‘was in that film. God loves you as He loves Jacob. Words on the screen.’
‘But I never saw that film. I’ve never heard that phrase before in my life.’
Sawyer must have got a look on his face, because Jack was now getting angry. ‘Somebody did this to me, Sawyer, and I don’t know why you’re-’
‘You did see the film, doc. Juliet admitted it.’
Jack stared at him, eyes dark in the tent’s shadows.
‘She’s lying,’ he whispered. ‘I’ve never seen this before. I don’t know what it means.’
‘I don’t think she is.’
There was a pause; Jack looked down, his mind working visibly, before back up at Sawyer. The fear in his eyes had intensified, and Sawyer felt for him.
‘She’s protecting herself by making you all think I did it.’
‘Sayid and Kate both agree with me, doc. We all questioned Juliet. We think she’s telling the truth. There’s some other things too, like the fact that the letters on your right arm aren’t as clear as those on your left. If you were using your left hand for those, well that would explain it.’
Jack was shaking his head, drawing his arms in closer to himself.
‘I didn’t do this,’ he whispered, and Sawyer could see him withdrawing. He reached forward, gripping Jack’s knee.
‘Doc, they made you do this. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy or anything.’
Jack didn’t say anything, just stared at Sawyer, and Sawyer realised with a start that Jack was withdrawing from him; he was scared of him. Sawyer frowned.
‘Hey, talk to me, doc. You’re looking freaked out.’
‘Why…why are you doing this? Somebody did this to me…I didn’t…’
Sawyer sighed, rubbing a hand over his face.
‘Doc…’
‘You remember when Claire thought somebody had injected her, and I didn’t believe her? That was Ethan, and Charlie almost died because I didn’t believe her-’
‘Doc-’
‘I didn’t do this!’ Jack was shouting now, agitated, angry, and scared as hell.
‘Look, Juliet said this might happen-’
It was the wrong thing to say, the wrong thing entirely, he could see it on Jack’s face instantly. Jack struggled to his feet, flinching as Sawyer stood up as well, blocking the way out.
‘Calm down, Jack,’ Sawyer said quietly, his hands raised, palms down flat.
‘Let me out.’
‘Calm down-’
Jack moved forward, and Sawyer grabbed him by the shoulders, again the wrong thing, because it made Jack struggle.
‘Let go of me,’ Jack hissed, pushing at Sawyer with his forearms, and in the tussle Sawyer inadvertently grabbed at one of Jack’s hands, making him gasp with pain, feeling stitches break and blood soak through the bandages. Jack yelled angrily, and Sawyer almost let go instinctively, but instead shoved Jack backwards into the tent. Jack stumbled backwards before steadying himself, cradling his hand to his chest and looking at Sawyer with an expression of utter betrayal. Sawyer felt guilt flood through his guts, but kept his face stony. If Jack needed someone to hate, he could bear it.
‘Calm the fuck down, doc. You’re staying in here til we figure out what the hell’s going on.’
Jack said nothing; something closed down in his eyes and his gaze slipped away from Sawyer’s, and he sat down cross-legged on the floor. Sawyer stared at him for a moment, then stepped out through the tent flap.
---
God loves you…as He loves Jacob…
God loves you…as He loves Jacob…
It was suffocating, the fear Sawyer felt when he heard it, when he heard Jack whispering it, because he realised it had been repeating on the very threshold of his hearing for some time, and what might have been happening before his brain registered it triggered an overwhelming feeling. He scrambled to his feet, throwing back the tent flap, and Jack was still sitting cross-legged where Sawyer had left him, only now he had unwound all his bandages and had torn out the stitches on half of one arm, torn them out by digging in with his nails because fresh blood was streaking his skin. Sawyer grabbed his hands, hard, held them away from his body at an awkward angle and the pain must have cut into Jack sharply, because he blinked rapidly, suddenly coming back to himself.
‘Fuck, Sawyer, let go!’ he gasped, pain and anger twisting his expression until he glanced down at his arm, and then he froze. Sawyer loosened his grip slowly, letting go, sitting back. Jack was reeling, struggling to breath steadily, as realisation dawned, and it was painful, too painful to watch. Sawyer hung his head, trying to block it all out; he could handle being hated, but he wasn’t sure he could handle this.
‘Oh…oh Jesus…’ Jack whispered, before grabbing at the undone bandages in a panic, starting to wrap them around his arms again. Sawyer grabbed his hands again, gently this time.
‘Take it easy, Jack. Take it easy.’
Jack didn’t look at him, couldn’t look at him.
‘I don’t remember…anything…’
‘It’s okay, doc. It’s okay.’
‘What’s wrong with me?’ Jack looked at Sawyer then, needing to see how Sawyer reacted to the question, and all Sawyer could feel was a breathtaking hurt for him, and only now did he really understand what it meant to feel for another person, because he desperately wanted to take it away, to make it better, to stop that haunted look in Jack’s eyes.
‘We’re gonna figure it out,’ he said thickly. ‘We’re gonna figure it out.’
